Friday, October 11, 2013

The Mustache Story

In case you don't see much of pop culture or the internet, may I first say: Congratulations on managing to find my blog!  Also, mustaches are a thing now.



The IF word of the week is mustache.


THE MUSTACHE STORY




It all started a few years ago with a rough and tumble traveling beatnik named Oscar.
And that is a guitar, not a scythe. 
He traveled the country alone on his motorcycle, stopping at every city he came across to jam on his guitar, smoke, loiter, get tattoos and pretty much be the coolest guy around.  One day, Oscar decided that he was going to ride west until he ran out of gas.  He rode all day and all night.  In the morning Oscar found himself in a little farming community called Poland, Oregon without any gas.  This was not cool with Oscar.  Fields weren't really his thing.  But then he met Hephzibah and his mind was changed.  She was a bookish farm girl with thick glasses, plaid jumpers and hand-knitted sweaters.  Oscar fell deeply in love Hephzibah.  He thought it was really badass how she flouted the norm by being the youngest member of the knitting circle, being the president of the organic vegetable garden club and attending her local Dungeons and Dragons matches.  In truth, Hephzibah wasn't embracing being different, she was jut out of touch.  Oscar, however, was blinded by love and married Hephzibah.


They settled down right there and populated Poland with so many Hep-scar kids that it became a booming farm city.  The Hepscars ran such a large and successful organic farm that people from all over came to their farmer's markets and folk festivals.  They changed the name from Poland to Portland, because "Poland" confused people.  Oscar instilled in his children the utmost importance of being unique.  "If you aren't an outcast, no one will like you," he always told them as he tucked them into bed.

Meanwhile, the media couldn't help but notice that there was a growing population of these Hepscars that were doing  everything they could to flout the media's influence.  This troubled them greatly.  They were losing hold of their most valued subjects, the young generation.  The media rallied its forces and called a grand meeting.  Everyone from the media was invited.  All the biggest names in advertising, and television came to put their heads together.

"It's like they don't want to fit in.  It's like people are actually enjoying being themselves and doing the stuff that they, like, like to do," said News Corespondent Jane.  The meeting went on for days while they tried to grapple with the Hepscar mentality.
On the third day Department Store Owner Bob had a revelation.  "I HAVE IT!"  He shouted, breaking the long silence.  "If they will not embrace us, we must embrace them."  A dissatisfied murmur spread over the crowd.  "YES," shouted Movie Producer Joe "and then pretend that it was our idea!"  Slowly, but surely this idea won over.

Pretty soon suspenders, knit caps, thick rimmed glasses, cuffed pants and facial hair that would make a Mennonite proud was all over the TV and department stores.  Even the grocery stores embraced the new "hipster" lifestyle.   If there was a cool way to eat, they'd found it.  "Organic" and "fair trade" became as much buzzwords as "diet" and "fat free."

The media finally got a hold of Hepsc- I'm sorry -hipster and their ruling place in society was restored.  The all breathed a sigh of relief as storms of skinny-jean clad pre-teens ran past their shop windows; as high schools filled up with identical lensless glasses; as college students saved up for ukeleles (because nobody plays those) and wool sweaters that their grammas would have been happy to knit for them; and as mothers stocked up on organic couscous and pomegranates for their vegan kids.

There was still one thing that the Hepscars had over the media, however.  A great pride and joy to these young folk, was facial hair.  Completely free, it was a sign of maturity and a total chick magnet.  Furthermore a mustache had practical uses, they'd keep your lips warm and stored crumbs for later.  Facial hair proved difficult to sell.
Ever seen one of these guys?
Yeah, they tried to make that a thing.  It didn't really catch on.  They tried "locally grown, organic, natural, pumpkin spice, hand died alpaca wool fakecial-hair" and when that didn't work they called up Department Store Owner Bob.  "What do we do now smarty pants?  They've started to realize that the things we've been selling them are actually free!"  
"Calm down," Department Store Owner Bob said, "It can't be that bad.  Bottled water is still a million dollar industry.  They haven't realized squat."  
"Fine.  Well, you solve this crisis, then you can say it's not that bad," 

So Department Store Owner Bob did.  In 5 minutes, he made a vector image of a mustache and stuck it on everything he could think of: teeshirts, socks, mugs, notebooks, jewelry, you name it.  He also made a beard design, but had to forgo that because it looked like a blob.  We don't talk about that.

THE END




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