The IF word of the week is mustache.
THE MUSTACHE STORY
It all started a few years ago with a rough and tumble traveling beatnik named Oscar.
|And that is a guitar, not a scythe.|
Meanwhile, the media couldn't help but notice that there was a growing population of these Hepscars that were doing everything they could to flout the media's influence. This troubled them greatly. They were losing hold of their most valued subjects, the young generation. The media rallied its forces and called a grand meeting. Everyone from the media was invited. All the biggest names in advertising, and television came to put their heads together.
"It's like they don't want to fit in. It's like people are actually enjoying being themselves and doing the stuff that they, like, like to do," said News Corespondent Jane. The meeting went on for days while they tried to grapple with the Hepscar mentality.
On the third day Department Store Owner Bob had a revelation. "I HAVE IT!" He shouted, breaking the long silence. "If they will not embrace us, we must embrace them." A dissatisfied murmur spread over the crowd. "YES," shouted Movie Producer Joe "and then pretend that it was our idea!" Slowly, but surely this idea won over.
Pretty soon suspenders, knit caps, thick rimmed glasses, cuffed pants and facial hair that would make a Mennonite proud was all over the TV and department stores. Even the grocery stores embraced the new "hipster" lifestyle. If there was a cool way to eat, they'd found it. "Organic" and "fair trade" became as much buzzwords as "diet" and "fat free."
The media finally got a hold of Hepsc- I'm sorry -hipster and their ruling place in society was restored. The all breathed a sigh of relief as storms of skinny-jean clad pre-teens ran past their shop windows; as high schools filled up with identical lensless glasses; as college students saved up for ukeleles (because nobody plays those) and wool sweaters that their grammas would have been happy to knit for them; and as mothers stocked up on organic couscous and pomegranates for their vegan kids.
There was still one thing that the Hepscars had over the media, however. A great pride and joy to these young folk, was facial hair. Completely free, it was a sign of maturity and a total chick magnet. Furthermore a mustache had practical uses, they'd keep your lips warm and stored crumbs for later. Facial hair proved difficult to sell.
Ever seen one of these guys?
Yeah, they tried to make that a thing. It didn't really catch on. They tried "locally grown, organic, natural, pumpkin spice, hand died alpaca wool fakecial-hair" and when that didn't work they called up Department Store Owner Bob. "What do we do now smarty pants? They've started to realize that the things we've been selling them are actually free!"
"Calm down," Department Store Owner Bob said, "It can't be that bad. Bottled water is still a million dollar industry. They haven't realized squat."
"Fine. Well, you solve this crisis, then you can say it's not that bad,"
So Department Store Owner Bob did. In 5 minutes, he made a vector image of a mustache and stuck it on everything he could think of: teeshirts, socks, mugs, notebooks, jewelry, you name it. He also made a beard design, but had to forgo that because it looked like a blob. We don't talk about that.